HILARIOUSLY BAD. The room itself was grubby, cold and the lighting was abusive to both eyes and ears - I could hear buzzing throughout. I was told to undress and get on the table, upon which there was paper and a lone, grey towel. Felt more like I was about to have a smear test than a massage. The towel did not even cover me and at 5”3 - I don’t present much of a challenge.
So there I am, freezing and exposed waiting for the therapist to return. After 10 mins, wondering whether I’ve been abandoned and this is where I live now, she comes back. I tell her the headrest is broken, so she gives me a couple more sad, grey towels to use instead. They smell like they’ve been in storage for quite some time.
She begins the massage, to the tune of the creaking bed (under my colossal weight of 9st 7), the sound of chatter from other employees and her own heaving breathing. She let a couple of yawns slip, too. No ambient music, however.
My masseuse has long nails which scratch and catch, she also proceeds to pinch my most tender bits. No amount of flinching deters her. I eventually ask her to be a bit gentler, and she just starts sort of patting me - which is actually a bit of a relief.
She had given up, bless her, by the time she got to the head massage - which was an exercise in making my eyebrows move around a bit and rubbing half-heartedly near my temples.
Eyelash tint was useless, made no difference whatsoever. At least it didn’t sting, though. A small win.
I feel sorry for the staff, who have not been trained properly and are burdened by terrible equipment and an awful environment. Pictures on the app are nothing like the salon irl.
About as relaxing as a job interview.