Ah, the festive season. The lights are up, the present lists are written, and Michael Bublé is back on the scene (yes). Stress is guaranteed – ‘tis the season of fluster really. But, it’s good to prepare for it now, so we can embrace as much of the ‘joy’ as possible. Here’s a summary of the inevitable stresses you’ll endure over the next few months, with a little guidance on how to deal with them. An early Christmas present for you.
By Rachel Spedding
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1 Sellotape-nail-varnish-hell
Sellotape, you cruel mistress you. It's going to attach to your nail polish and peel it off. Get a gel manicure that can endure it. That stuff is strong.
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2 Christmas jumpers, everywhere
Including in your own wardrobe. Get creative, knit your own, make it a unique piece, personalise, customise! Yeah… see you in the Primark queue.
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3 A (severe) hangover
That one day in December that you stop slurping on prosecco or deskside beers is the day the dreaded hangover will hit. Stock up on Berocca in advance. Those festive sandwiches really help too.
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4 The food coma
'I won't be beaten', you tell yourself on round two of Christmas dinner. Locate a spot in the corner of the sofa and hibernate. There is only one recovery for the food coma: passing time.
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5 Wanting to wear all your new pyjamas
It's Christmas, wear 'em all, YOLO. Make outfit changes a thing. Swap from onesie, to silkie, to printed and matching. Keep your guests guessing. That's one damn cosy Christmas.
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6 Absolutely pants Christmas jokes
God they’re bad. They’re just so bad. Who’s writing them? How are they still employed? Yet you know they’ll be read aloud with such vim. Your grandad will laugh at least – take it. Bless him.
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7 Choosing a Christmas film
It's so hard to convince the world that Home Alone 2 really is the best one. Keep everyone sweet – start watching today and you'll just about squeeze them all in.
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8 Baileys. Drinking Baileys. Constantly
You’re so full. You’re so full. You’re bursting from fullness. You’re staring at those vol-au-vents and there’s just.no.room. ‘Baileys anyone?’. ‘Ooh, lovely, yes please’.
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9 New Years' Eve
Make a really great plan, and have a really great time. Or just go to bed at 10. The new year will arrive whether or not you slur Auld Lang Syne with your best mate’s boyfriend.
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10 Finishing your Advent Calendar. On 3rd December
The intention to eat it day-by-day is there, but so is your intense craving for a bitesize slither of cheap festive-shaped chocolate. It'll be gone by the first week of December. That's really okay.
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11 Sampling the high street festive menu
Most apparent at Greggs. Your mouth moves to ask for a sausage roll, but ‘festive bake’ just tumbles out. Make the most of it while it's there. Rate them with your work pals. Call it bonding.
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12 Enduring Christmas pudding
Minging isn’t it. But that flame. We couldn’t possibly get rid of that. The crowd pleaser. The nan-satisfier. Tastes awful, but do it. Do it for nan.
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13 Feeling really (really) cold
Extreme UK-transport-cannot-handle-this cold is on the horizon. Buy fingerless gloves – they look like Fagan, but boy do they do the job.
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14 Cramped trains. Any train.
Place luggage in the suitcase rack? Har har, lovely concept. No spare seats. No time for coffee. No jolly folk. One cramped, sweaty vestibule. God speed. All I can give you is luck.
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15 Awkward work party convo
Don’t get the fear the next day, or ponder what you said to that bloke from HR. Just bury it, and get back to ignoring each other in the kitchen. Easy.
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16 Uncomfortable family chats
If you're Aunty Sue asks 'why aren't you married yet' for the third year running, spill a little prosecco on her lap, remind her it's 2018, and get back to perusing the buffet table. The cheek of it.
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17 Buying reluctant presents
You think you’re sorted. You know you’re sorted. Then someone proposes Secret Santa. Rue that day. Demand a £5 spending limit and go buy a nice-looking mug. Everyone likes that.
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18 Making the most of the big day
The worst part of the festive season? How darn quickly Christmas Day goes. Soak up every slither of celebrations. Starting now. Get your biggest grin on, and tuck in. We’re in this together.
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19 Running out of gravy granules
There’s no excuse. May your christmas dinner be dry and void of the wondrous salty brown goodness that is gravy. Shame on you.